Fact File:
Name: Darren Gaskell
Age: 37 years young
Height: 5ft 10 or 1.78m
Weight: 14 stone
Nickname: Gaz, Gash, Sir, Lion , fat Tom Hanks
Position: Centre Half
Debut: Ask Kipper, he remembers everything
Favourite Colour: Bristol City Red.
The Glitz! The Glamour! The Adulation! The Fame! The Female attention!! All part and parcel of being a high profile football superstar for St Aldhelms FC. But what happens when Father Time catches up with you? The hair recedes, the legs give way and the belly gets bigger, the phone stops ringing and suddenly you’re spending your Saturday afternoons shooting pool in the pub rather than shooting for goal on the football pitch. Some players, such as our interviewee from the last issue IAN KEEPIN, manage to move on and continue to make a useful contribution to society, others are not so fortunate. Today I am going to meet one of those poor unfortunates………..
DARREN GASKELL was once renowned as one of his generation’s greatest players playing for various teams in the Western league and above, but his spiritual home was always St Aldhelms FC, amongst his achievements was being an integral part of the legendary Treble winning team of 1995/96 .
After winding down his career with sporadic appearances for the third team Darren disappeared from the spotlight and has lived a hermit-like lifestyle since except for numerous rumours of drinking problems, emotional breakdowns and even arrests for shoplifting! Now after many months of investigation I have managed to track down this former Footballing Hero and even secured his first interview in 10 years.
I am totally unsure what to expect from Darren, although I have been advised by a local in the pub round the corner where he is a ‘very’ regular that he now only responds to the name ‘Gash the Smash’ the nickname Darren earned for the ferocious forearm smashes he was known to dish out at the peak of his career. As I approach, I can see the house is very run down, the garden overgrown and there is what appears to be an abandoned Astra on the drive. It certainly does not fit in with the rest of this otherwise lovely area of Headley Park, in fact the house looks more like one of the smarter houses in the infamous Knowle West area of Bristol.
I ring the bell.
Is that the police? I aint done nothing, right!
No Mr Gaskell I mean Gash the Smash! This is Mr Bamsboy from Staldhelmsfc.com.
Oh I spose you’d better come in then.
Darren hands me a can of Natch and we begin the interview.
So Darren How long have you played for St Aldhelms?
I have been around the St Aldhelms scene since I was about 18, so about 20 years. I have not always played for the Saints but with all your mates here it’s kind of hard to stay away. Kipper has played for the Saints forever so I used to come and watch and help out if they were struggling, I was playing for Downend and the time and Kipper had a few run outs for them in exchange.
Can you remember your debut? What happened? Was there anyone playing still playing today? Was it in black & white?
I can’t remember my debut, but I can remember in one of my first games Mike Clark chased me out the dressing room with a vibrator, so yes Mike is still playing, but I think he has stopped the chasing of young boys.
I am sure you must have had many highlights during your years playing, what is the most memorable moment you have? Tell us about it.
The GFA cup final is the most memorable, there is a video floating around somewhere of it, Darren Thomas in a sandy coloured suit and dark shades, hysterical. I don’t know what it was like to watch but it was a great game to be involved in. On a personal level it was nice to win as my Father had passed away the September before and the team had been brilliant towards me. It was good to have something this special to share with close friends.
Do you have a favourite goal? There can’t be many to choose from!
I scored a couple of free kicks over the years, but I am not a glory hunter, I just used to do the donkeywork at the back. I used to like a different sort of attention, but maybe save that for a different sort of interview.
To have spent all those years in the first team you must have been doing something right, what do you think your strengths are?
I could read the game quite well and I usually played with very good players, which was lucky as I had the pace of an asthmatic ant.
If you had to compare yourself to a professional footballer who would it be?
If you find one that looks like a asthmatic ant then him, a sort of cross between Jan Molby's fitness and Frank Sinclair's finesse. When I was a lot younger they just started showing Italian football on a Sunday afternoons, Franco Baresi was always my favourite player. Never flustered, never panicked just played the game the way it should have been played, and being Italian, he knew how to protect himself.
Do you have a pre-match routine? Any superstitions?
I always take all my clothes off before putting my kit on. Also I always had to sit in the same place in the home dressing room, and always wore no 6.
What do you enjoy doing away from St Aldhelms?
Most of my close friends are at the saints so its hard to really get away, I like to swing the clubs from time to time and hopefully go on a couple of holidays with the ginger princess soon.
Please name your St Aldhelms all time XI based only on players you have actually played with.
GK – Stuart Jones
RB – Scott Matthews
LB – Steve Phillips
CB – Ian Davis
CB – Simon Wallis
MR – Gary Warren
CM – Peter Hayes
CM – Jon Berry
ML – Mike Berry
CF – Mike Kew
CF – Gary Jacobs
Quick fire Questions!
Chinese or Indian? Indian
Studs or Blades? studs
Kylie or Dannii? Dannii
Amy Winehouse or Kerry Katona? Kerry
BBC or ITV BBC
X Factor or Strictly come dancing? X factor
Crisps or Chocolate? Chocolate
Jeff Stelling or Gary Lineker? Jeff Stelling
Swimshorts or Speedos? Swim Shorts
Tea or Coffee? Tea
Ginsters or Clarks? Ginsters
The Hun or Youporn? The Hun
John Berry or Michael Berry? Mary
James Dunn or Brad Dunn? Brad, not a second thought.
Benson & hedges or Lambert & Butler? Lamberts
Rentaghost or Grange Hill? Rentaghost
Drinking or Driving? Both!
Favourites
Favourite Book: Damage Done by Warren Fellows
Favourite cartoon: Road Runner
Favourite Fruit: Strawberry or Graham Norton
Favourite Destination: Lan Kohlan (small island off Thailand)
Worst Destination: Cambodia Visa control, vile.
Favourite Actor: Jack Nicholson
Favourite Actress: Natalie Portman
Favourite TV: Early stages of X Factor.
Disliked TV: Big Brother
Most useless thing I own: Slow cooker or Lewis Rudge
Right I want to find out about some of your team-mates through the years
Who is the biggest moaner you have played with?
Julian Thomas, you know when Julian’s having a bad game he starts to get on everyone else case and to be honest he isn’t the most constructive with criticism. I recently had the pleasure of playing in goal for the first team, Grant seems to be keeping this ginger tradition alive and long may it continue.
Who spends/spent the most time doing their hair after the game?
Wringo, still don’t know why, I just don’t understand a grey Mohican.
Who has/had the worst dress sense?
Used to be Darren Thomas, some of his clobber was awful, The Chink still makes me laugh trying to hang on to his youth with his tight tops.
Who is the hardest player you have played with?
Alex Hawker (puggy), really wanted to put him in my dream team, but I decided to play around them rather than run through them. When you needed someone with backbone to stand up for your team most people looked to Alex. Not bad at grabbing the odd crucial goal as well.
The biggest joker?
I played with Edna a few times, when he wasn’t fighting he was making everyone laugh, there are so many stories that start with… Remember the time Edna,
Who is the longest in the shower?
I don’t know I always go home to shower.
Now that you only watch the game from the sidelines, who of the current young players out there have impressed you and maybe have the potential to one day achieve what you have in the game?
I don’t watch as I much as I should but now Jon is doing it rather than Smeds I will try and get along to most games. It’s Jon’s first year and would really like him to succeed, no one lives for football more than Jon and I just hope his players take some of that passion and make it work. I have been lucky enough to tag along to a few training sessions pre season and the quality of some of the lads is frightening (so is James Dunn’s touch but in a completely different way). Most teams usually have a couple of players with star quality, but Jon seems to have 5 or 6, which probably explains the surprise but thoroughly deserved Fry’s cup. Nice to also see a few young faces doing the pre season, hopefully they can learn their bit and help the club succeed at which ever level they play. I caught sight of Pete Hayes training the third team lads at the last training session, I hope the young lads realise how lucky they are and try to pick up as many good habits from him as they can, they will also do well to try and not emulate him in the bar.
With that there is a knock at the door, outside is a man with a bin bag full of shampoo and Gillette razors, Darren explains that this is his ‘business partner’ and that it was time that I should leave.
I do so, a little saddened that although he still has that wonderful passion for the game it does seem that Darren Gaskell will most likely not be donning that Claret and Blue strip ever again.
Interview by Rash Bamsboy
Darren Gaskell did not receive a fee for this interview……………apart from 8 cans of natch and 2 bags of pork scratchings.